She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
