I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
