i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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