Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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