This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
