If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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