Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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