The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
