Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
