im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
you didnt know i had herpes?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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