My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
