Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
