Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
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