i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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