thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
