if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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