I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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