u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
