When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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