I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
