sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I supernannyed him into submission
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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