Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
