I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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