your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
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My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
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I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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