I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
the condom got lost in my hair
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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