My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I think my vagina is haunted
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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