Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
