I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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