The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
