dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
