OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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