My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
