i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
