nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
