i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
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When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
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WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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