1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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