I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
