you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
