i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
