If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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