I bet he comes in French.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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