I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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