My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
