just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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