How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
My vagina is officially offended.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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