so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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