Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
