I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
