Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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