im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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