i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
