I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
