A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
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