Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
