I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
