Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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