I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
