There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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