also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
