So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
