i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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