Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Everyone says I win the strip club
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
