i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
