Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
